When Gaby Lieberman moved in with her boyfriend Elvin Pavlenko, she didn’t anticipate the intense scrutiny from their neighbors. Pavlenko had lived his entire life on the same block in Teaneck, New Jersey, and when he moved out of his childhood home, he landed across the street in an apartment complex where he and Lieberman lived. The neighbors had watched him grow up. “These people knew him, knew his whole story,” Lieberman told Vox. “They had seen him in diapers all the way to a grown 30-year-old man.” The community was protective of Pavlenko and suspicious of outsiders. When Pavlenko’s former schoolmate spotted Lieberman reaching into an unfamiliar car to hug and kiss a man who was not Pavlenko, alarm bells went off. The neighbor, known for being gossipy, flagged Pavlenko down in the laundromat to spill the tea. Over dinner a few days later, Pavlenko confronted Lieberman: “This guy I know saw you kissing an older man with a beard. Are you cheating on me?” Lieberman responded, “What? You mean my dad?”
The Unique Dynamics of Neighbor Relationships
Neighbor relationships sit at a unique intersection of intimacy and distance. You may be geographically close, but they are not owed the same emotional vulnerability as family or friends. The couple next door or the folks down the street can carry institutional knowledge of the building or neighborhood, help you out in a pinch, and provide pleasant social interaction. However, they can also be nosy, standoffish to newcomers, or harbor biases, leading to years of awkward run-ins.
Gossip facilitates social connection and swapping stories with a neighbor can spur collective action in your community. According to Francesca Giardini, an associate professor of sociology at the University of Groningen, gossip helps you make sense of the social world. The people living around you can help determine cultural norms and expectations. This exchange of information is helpful when you are new to the community, but there is a line between useful intel and harmful judgments. The secret to effective gossip, experts say, is to be fully aware of the consequences and know when to stop.
Clarify Your Goals for the Conversation
Because you likely do not have a prior relationship with your neighbors, initial conversations often center on specific topics like recommendations, safety, and community norms. This can give way to gossip about who is selling their house or who has not been seen lately. “When we’re gossiping, first and foremost, we might be signaling something about a shared understanding of these community norms or rules,” said Meltem Yucel, an assistant professor of psychology at Michigan State University, to Vox. “It signals to the listener that we care about these rules.”
Opting out of community gossip can subtly signal that you do not respect the social network. “I think the one thing you don’t want to do is be the holier-than-thou person who says, ‘I’m not going to participate in this. I’m not a gossip. I never gossip,’” said Frank McAndrew, a professor emeritus of psychology at Knox College, to Vox. “First of all, if the only person you’re willing to talk about is yourself, everybody’s going to think you’re pretty boring. But secondly, what you’re really saying to people in that situation is ‘I don’t trust you. I don’t want to be part of your network,’ and you’re not going to win any popularity contest by doing that.” However, McAndrew noted that you need to be discerning with what you choose to share.
When gossiping, first consider the purpose of the conversation. Are you curious about the welfare of another neighbor? Do you want to vent about a neighbor’s annoying habit? What you choose to discuss should ultimately be useful to someone besides you. “If you’re planning to do construction, you’re having a big party… something that might impact their lives, then sharing this information with them might be something that would be good for your relationship with them,” Yucel said. These scenarios are constructive, informative, and reinforce neighborhood norms. Even discussing a lazy dog owner behind their back sends a clear signal that such behavior is unacceptable, serving as a bonding mechanism, according to Yucel.
However, if you are gossiping simply to cast judgments on a person or behavior that has little impact on your life, no one benefits, McAndrew said. This mean-spirited chit-chat can stem from racist or classist biases. Before complaining about someone, reflect on what exactly bothers you. “What you want to do is really examine your motives,” McAndrew said. “‘What makes me think there’s something wrong here?’ And if you’re being honest with yourself and you find out it’s really nothing more than a stereotype that you might have, then maybe you should keep your mouth shut until you know more.”
How to Engage in Online Neighborhood Gossip
From community Facebook groups to Nextdoor posts to WhatsApp threads, be extra careful when yapping online. Focus on logistics: stick to sharing information about neutral events like HOA meeting reminders, street sweeping schedules, and product sale listings in local Buy Nothing or yard sale groups. Keep conversations group-focused: posing questions like “Did anyone else’s power go out?” or “Who else got this notice about an increase in water bills?” can help you gather information and organize with your neighbors. Avoid mentioning anyone by name or posting photos of people without their consent, especially if the information is a rumor or includes details you cannot verify. When you are on the receiving end of gossip, try to determine the other person’s motives: are they disclosing useful information that directly impacts you, or are they tarnishing someone’s reputation? Is it something they have observed directly or are they relaying secondhand intel? And do you agree with what they are saying?
Weigh the Consequences
As you continue to engage in gossip beyond the initial exchange, consider how the person on the receiving end might see you. “If the audience believes that the gossiper is motivated by self-interest or a desire to harm the person they are talking about, then they will be evaluated negatively,” said Kim Peters, a social and organizational psychologist at the University of Exeter, to Vox in an email. Similarly, think about the repercussions should this information trickle out to the wider community or get attributed to you. If someone confides in you, do not share what they said without permission. Discussing something everyone can observe—like a neighbor’s new car—is fair game, as long as you refrain from passing judgment on what they choose to spend money on.
As with any conversation, avoid gossiping negatively in public places, especially online. “In general, it’s always good to assume that what you said could be retold,” Yucel said. Stick to what you have observed and personally know to be true, avoid saying anything mean-spirited, and do not put anything in writing you would be embarrassed to see reposted or shared. Part of this mental math has to do with the people you are gossiping with. You might consider biting your tongue around clueless blabbermouths who repeat everything they hear, McAndrew said. Also avoid known busybodies who hold onto information to backstab or tear others down. Unfortunately, you might not know if any of your neighbors possess these habits until you observe them in the act, so it is a good idea to err on the side of caution.
But the consequence of gossip is not always negative. Your goal might be for the gossip to get back to a neighbor so they change their behavior, or to warn another community member about someone who behaves badly. Similarly, if a couple of neighbors in an apartment building gossip over a shared cockroach problem that has gone unaddressed, they can coordinate with other tenants to spur the landlord into action.
Know When to Call It Quits
A skilled gossiper knows when to disengage. The signs that someone may not want to gossip with you could be fairly obvious: after the initial “Did you notice…” they are not active in the conversation or they try to change the subject. “Sometimes if you feel the tension or everything becomes uncomfortable, the safest option is to change the topic or explain why you are making that remark,” Giardini said. “You are trying to provide reasons that you think it’s relevant.” In other words, you are managing your reputation. If you are veering into judgmental territory, best to pump the brakes.
If you are on the receiving end, think twice before feeding into gossip that seems to be turning people against another person. Instead, you can say, “Oh I have no idea what’s going on with them!” in a breezy tone before changing the subject. Simply take the information for what it is: something that could potentially be useful, but that you do not need to perpetuate. The next time you hear loud music, you can tell the person next door that it is the DJ who lives nearby—thanks to the intel from another neighbor—but you do not need to tell everyone else that he is recently divorced and in a custody battle, too.
Of course, there will inevitably be moments when you say the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person and the gossip turns sour. If someone betrayed your confidence and disclosed what you said to the subject of your chatter, you have now learned the hard way they probably cannot be trusted. Or maybe you inadvertently started a rumor about someone and they are confronting you about it. Apologizing is your only option, according to McAndrew. Because unlike other relationships where you can avoid someone forever after hurting their feelings, you cannot skirt your neighbors unless one of you moves—which is what Gaby Lieberman and Elvin, who she ended up marrying, did. After their neighbor told Pavlenko that he thought he saw Lieberman cheating, Pavlenko told the neighbor the comment made her uncomfortable. Now, the couple lives in a cul-de-sac in Sandy Hook, New Jersey, and the only gossip they do with their neighbors centers on the former owner of their home. “They tell me a lot of stories about this community and the guy that lived in my house,” Lieberman said. “But they’re not gossiping about other neighbors.”
