A reader, identifying as a non-believer, writes to science journalist Shayla Love about a personal ethical dilemma: whether to continue attending church with their religious mother, knowing that doing so brings her peace of mind, while feeling disingenuous about their own lack of belief. The reader worries that honesty might upset their mother without improving their own quality of life, and questions whether prioritizing personal integrity over a mother's comfort is selfish when the cost—one hour per week—is relatively small.
Mixed-Faith Families Are Increasingly Common
Love points out that the reader is far from alone in navigating differing beliefs within a family. A 2007 Pew Research Center survey found that 44 percent of Americans had changed or left the religion they were raised in. A separate 2015 Pew survey revealed that 39 percent of couples married after 2010 identified as mixed-faith, including those who identify as non-religious. These statistics underscore that managing religious differences in families is a widespread challenge.
In a 2023 Pew survey, more than a third of parents said it was extremely or very important that their children share their religious views. However, Love notes that the data is nuanced: the same survey found that most religious parents prioritized passing on ethics and values—such as ambition and hard work—over religious belief alone. A 2022 study even suggested that interfaith families can become stronger by accommodating multiple beliefs, developing improved communication skills.
Advice for Honest Conversations
Love advises that if the reader chooses to be honest with their mother, they should emphasize shared moral qualities and values, and stress that their decision is genuine. She cites qualitative studies where highly religious parents expressed a desire for their children to share their faith, but also acknowledged that it was ultimately the child's choice. One highly religious Christian father said, "How to pass our belief to our next generation is a burden to me. … We want them and their next generations to have God's blessings." Yet many parents in the same study valued shared values over strict adherence to doctrine.
Reframing Church Attendance
Love draws on the work of sociologist Emile Durkheim, who argued in his 1912 book The Elementary Forms of Religious Life that religion is fundamentally about social groups agreeing on what is sacred and profane, rather than belief in God. From this perspective, attending church can be seen as participating in a community with shared values—such as community, caring for others, and morality—rather than endorsing theological doctrines. Love also references psychologist William James, who in The Varieties of Religious Experience focused on the emotional and psychological aspects of religion, emphasizing curiosity about others' experiences without requiring personal conversion.
Love acknowledges that if the church community is openly hostile to the reader's identity, participation may be difficult. She suggests that the reader might find alternative ways to share collective emotions with their mother, such as attending events that produce "collective effervescence," a concept Durkheim used to describe shared emotional experiences that bind groups together.
Conclusion
Love encourages the reader to open themselves to their mother's emotional life while remaining true to their own beliefs. She notes that a genuine connection may be what the mother truly desires, not a false one. The column concludes with recommendations for further reading, including an essay by Jonathan Weiner on memory and family, a piece on the language Esperanto, and a story by poet Elizabeth Bishop.
